I CHOOSE ME
featuring "mirror" — Kendrick Lamar
Two in one day. What could be more Gemini season-coded than yapping so much that I feel the need to post twice today?
First and foremost, in honor of Gemini season and my disdain for Drake, I decided that the theme for the day would be the Kendrick song “Mirror”
The reason is that I feel you deserve an explanation for my absence, or I feel the need to explain. I am explaining, but this is not an excuse. I am very neurodivergent, but I also had a lot of inner work to do. I could not do that work publicly because publicly I was already making a big enough mess of my life in my work. I fell into a shame spiral and withdrew from everything I enjoyed and everything that brought me happiness and clarity, and that included this medium.
Anything I’ve ever done in business, anything I’ve ever started, any writing I’ve ever written, any project I ever began was something I needed to do for me. That makes SighSpace no different. At the time that I created SighSpace, I thought I had done the work. I thought I saw myself for who I was. It was clear, but I probably was my most insecure and my most directionless because of the way that I defined myself.
This is not some declarative statement where I’m saying I’m now healed. That is far from the case. What I’m saying is I have an understanding of the fact that my needs are not going to be met overnight, and I’m not going to become the person in my head in one day, not even in one year. The journey that I’m on is one that is never-ending, and I need to be okay with that in order to find some kind of contentment in my life.
I also say that I do, in fact, plan to continue with SighSpace, but I’m not going to put insurmountable pressure on myself to show up as a content creator who is selling you some wellness lifestyle that I can’t even practice myself.
I do plan to be around, and if there’s anything you want to talk about, feel free to respond, but in the words of my brother Kendrick, I choose me. I’m sorry.